Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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