I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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