My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize