the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
