you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
