When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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