I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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