He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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