Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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