guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize