Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
