i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
