Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize