You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
