There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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