I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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