I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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