ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
