I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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