Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize