Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize