Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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