A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i dont even know how to be here
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
