Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
