Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I made him laugh his dick is mine
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
