does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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