So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
