Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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