I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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