I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
