im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
