Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
