Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
youre lurking in front of me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
