When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she looked like the before picture.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
