There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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