she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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