i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
What a fucking waste of an outfit
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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