3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so that wasnt chicken after all
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
