why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops