i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.