my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
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FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
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Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT