You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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