Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize