best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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