I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
