I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
