I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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