she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize