she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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