got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
