College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
