just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
