I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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