Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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