I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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