he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
