Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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