in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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